MRI

Hello my dear fellow claustrophobes!

This post is devoted to us all who fearfully eye the big bad cylinder we are about to be wedged into,  who break into a sweat at the mere mention of crowds, who start palpitating at the thought of being in a scanner- of any sort!

I had to face my monsters when I after being in agony for more than two weeks, I had to get a cervical spine MRI done.
And after all the waiting, the not sending my younger one to school, my husband accompanying me- I go inside the room, the technician puts me in machine, and then he puts a restraint around my neck and THEN I am being slid into the MRI machine.
It was going to be easy, a 20 minute procedure. And then the panic hit me as I was going into the machine and I just had to be taken out.

Believe me, I felt ashamed of myself, for not being able to control my panic; and yet just the thought of going back in to the MRI machine, had me gasping for breath. I was breathless for two whole days, during which I found out that there was such a thing as the OPEN MRI machine, and that wonder of wonders we had one right here in New Delhi!

Reached the imaging centre, was shown in to the room and wasn't I in for a big shock...the 'open' machine was way more closed than the closed machine. In position and placed in the machine, the top part of the machine is barely two inches away from your face...I panicked and asked to be taken out.

And then I took a deep breath and asked to be put in position...they were one of the most difficult 35 minutes of my life. I was in a near constant state of panic, breathless with fear and my eyes shut tight the whole time. A was with me, holding my hand and I sure it did matter to some extent, but finally it is  your own nightmare.

I faced it finally, and I do believe I could have gone in the closed machine as well, but only because I really wanted to know the reason behind close to two decades of physical misery.

Still waiting...

More Memories...

This year the Indian summer, and by I literally mean the summer we in the northern part of the country were hit by; was particularly vicious.
I remember growing up in a non air conditioned environment, where the sole way to cool ourselves in the evenings was to head up to the terrace, pour water all over and then enjoy the 'cool' air thrown around by the pedestal fans! Of course the nights weren't hot air blowing dragons- the days were!

Air coolers came in much later and were great during the hot dry summer parts but insufferable during the humid bits. And fridges- there weren't any! Not till I was properly 'growed up' as my younger one would put it.
Big earthen pots kept the water beautifully cold and other things as well! Nothing was made in excess- all had to be consumed the same day or had to be given to the stray cows to eat.

One had to book a cooking gas connection and wait for months before getting freedom from tedious kerosene stoves. The same for a telephone connection- unless you knew someone (the omnipresent ever present requirement to get anything done in India), you could wait for 6 months to a year just to get the fat black instrument, which has changed people's social skills forever. Gone were the days of friends and relatives just dropping in- it all began to be preplanned. True some of these unannounced guests were irritants but still had the thrill of surprise. Now, I sit down every Sunday with my moleskines and plan each day, each play date, each phone call that I must make through the week!

I did not grow up in a village. I grew up right here in the the capital of India and if this seems incredible to you, you CAN go to any village today and see it for yourself! The difference, I guess was in the availability of power. Which again is not saying much considering the power situation in the national capital region this year!

We, are a highly skewed country; much like a little girl dressing up in her mother's clothes- in a big hurry to grow up but the maturity and confidence of the adult years way beyond her reach.
And so we have great cars, great phones, huge international brands and the yearning to be a part of the developed world, but we also lack the maturity of a truly adult nation.
Amir Khan has named a lot of issues plaguing our society today, so I won't even get in to that; but I will end this with a news report I read in this morning's paper- about a political/moral police party putting up warning posters all across Ranchi, threatening acid attacks on girls who wear jeans. Is Amir Khan listening? Or coming up with a nationwide campaign countering this incredible attack on a person's basic right to wear the clothes they want to?
No, the 13 episodes are up. The cameras are off and the spotlight is on the three odd medals we have won in the ongoing Olympics.

No, the childhood I had, was free and untainted. Free of prejudices, untainted by suspicion and though not well to do at all, I felt safe.

Down!

Just one of those days, when nothing seems to make any sense and the things that do, seem hell bent on getting you down.
More than half of my waking day is already over and I am sitting here- looking at beautiful green trees sway to beautiful rain from my living room doors, listening to the OWL CITY one super hit- fireflies; my kids around me and yet my heart so heavy.
Although my mind screams to the contrary, I would still like to believe that I am normal.

Just am hit like a gale force by terrible memories of the few years past. And though I really do try and not to let them cloud my present, there are just some days when I just can't escape.

So dig in deep Mala, and get out your reserve strengths and head out.

Still breathing...breathing deep.